When the Donor's Agenda Needs to Replace Yours

Years ago, I listened to a fundraiser’s conversation with a lapsed donor. Before making the call, the fundraiser had done her homework. She had read the CRM notes and knew this donor had been frustrated with the organization in the past. 

The issue went back to a gift the donor had made. According to the donor, the organization took so long to process his check that he eventually had to write another one. But as I listened to the donor tell the story, it became clear that the check itself wasn't the real reason he was still upset. 

What bothered him most was what happened when he tried to address it. 

He had called the organization and felt like no one really listened to him. Instead, people offered explanations and excuses. He walked away from those interactions feeling like no one cared about what had happened or how frustrating the experience had been. Eventually, he decided he would start giving his money to other organizations. 

And now, sometime later, he finally had a fundraiser on the phone and he wanted to talk about it. 

This was an opportunity. Not necessarily an opportunity to get the donor to start giving again. It was an opportunity to give him something he clearly hadn't received the first time: the feeling that someone from the organization actually heard him. 

Unfortunately, that's not what happened. 

When we get uncomfortable, we tend to defend 

As the donor talked, the fundraiser became defensive. She interrupted him several times and tried to explain what may have happened. As the conversation continued, you could almost hear the fundraiser realizing that this wasn't going the way she had hoped. 

And that's when her goal seemed to shift from having a conversation with the donor to getting off the phone. 

The interesting thing was that the donor wasn't trying to end the conversation. He wanted to keep talking. He wanted to explain why he was frustrated and why this experience had changed the way he felt about the organization. 

We sometimes assume an unhappy donor wants us to fix something. Often, what they want first is much simpler: they want someone to listen. 

The fundraiser didn't need to determine whether every detail of the donor's story was correct. She didn't need to explain why the check took so long to process or defend the people who had handled the situation previously. 

She could simply have acknowledged what she was hearing. Something like, “It sounds like the issue wasn't only what happened with your check. When you tried to address it, you didn't feel like anyone was really listening to you. I can understand why that would be frustrating, especially after everything you've done to support this organization.”  

Then she could have given the donor space to respond. 

That doesn't mean agreeing with everything the donor says. Listening and acknowledging aren't the same thing as accepting blame. They're about recognizing someone else's experience and showing them that what they're saying matters. 

And then came the ask 

Toward the end of the conversation, as the fundraiser was trying to wrap things up, she mentioned why she had originally called: she wanted to know whether the donor might be interested in making another gift since they’d stopped giving. 

It was terrible timing. 

By that point, the donor had spent much of the conversation explaining that he felt unheard and undervalued by the organization and that he had decided to give elsewhere. And yet, the fundraiser was still asking him for money. 

This is where being donor-centered has to be more than something we say. 

The fundraiser may have started the call with a goal. Maybe the assignment was to talk about the matching-gift opportunity. Maybe there was a campaign happening, and she had a list of donors to contact. There’s nothing wrong with having an objective when we pick up the phone. 

But the donor gets a say in where the conversation goes. 

Once this donor started sharing what had happened, the purpose of the call needed to change. The matching gift no longer mattered. The relationship did. That's what it means to put the donor at the center. 

The donor's agenda sometimes needs to replace ours 

As fundraisers, we spend a lot of time preparing for conversations. We look at giving history. We read CRM notes. We decide what we want to learn. We think about the next gift, the next opportunity or the next step in the relationship. 

All of that preparation is important. But preparation shouldn't become a script we're determined to finish, regardless of what happens once another human being is on the phone. 

Sometimes a donor tells us something that changes the conversation entirely. When that happens, we have to be willing to let go of our agenda. 

In this case, the best possible outcome wasn't a matching gift. It wasn't even necessarily reactivating the donor. The best outcome may simply have been for this person to hang up the phone thinking, “Finally, someone listened to me.” 

Maybe he wouldn't give again. That's okay. 

Relationship fundraising isn't a technique for getting people to give us money. It's a commitment to treating donors like people and recognizing the relationship they’ve chosen to have with our organizations. 

That matters when donors are excited about our work. It matters when they're ready to make another gift. And it matters just as much, maybe more, when they're disappointed in us. 

Listen first 

There’s a very human instinct to defend ourselves when someone is unhappy with us. We want to explain what happened, correct a misunderstanding or make the discomfort go away. 

But when we're sitting in the fundraiser's seat, we have to remember that the conversation isn't about making ourselves more comfortable. It's about the donor. 

So, when a donor tells you they're frustrated, listen. Let them finish. Echo back what you're hearing so they know you understand. Acknowledge their history with the organization and the generosity they've already shown. 

And if you went into the call planning to make an ask, be willing change course and not to make it. 

Sometimes the most donor-centered thing you can do is put the ask away and simply stay in the conversation. Because before we can ask a donor to invest in our organization again, we may need to show them that we're willing to invest in the relationship first.